Pandora's Box

Or... I have more issues than Rolling Stone (if you get that reference then you are by far one of the coolest people I know)

This post is a bit rant and a bit of emotional purge. This has been weighing heavy on my mind for weeks and is one of those things that my husband, child of the wonders of a nuclear family, can never understand. So I throw it our here to at least "speak" it out loud...

I seem to have a knack for opening my Pandora's Box of emotional issues on a regular basis. I never can tell you why I do it, and I always know that I would be so much better off if I didn't… But every damn time, I still pry it open and then wonder why the things that pour out of it hurt so much. A couple of weeks ago, I drove up to meet my mom for lunch in Shelbyville. On the way home, I have to pass the Waddy exit on 64. Now I had family in Waddy, hell my father lives in Shelbyville to this day. But hadn't been to Waddy in about 16 years, so I decide to get off the exit and see if I could find my Memaw's old house. Which I did easily enough, childhood memories of walking that country road served me well.

However, doing this just brought up a millions thoughts and questions. Most of you know that I don't have a good relationship (ok any) relationship with my father, Byrd. I haven't seen him since the fall of my freshman year in college and that was only one time, before that it had been 6 years since I last saw him. I have never been a priority in his life, and after finding out some truths from mom about their divordidn'tI didn't want to have much to do with him at all. As a small child, I adored him. He was my Daddy. I was Byrd's little girl. God I loved being called that. On the few weekends I would see him, he would take me out and show me off like a trophy. Of course I was 6, and had no idea wasn't it wasn't because he loved me, so much that I was his. As I grew older and became more like me (or like my mother as he once told me) he stopped wanting to show me off, therefore stopped wanting to see me. I wasn't Byrd's little girl, I was my own person. A person he didn't know and more than likely didn't really like.

Now around this time, my mom married my Dad, the man who loved me like a child should be loved, the man who is my father in all ways but blood. I think it made the reality of my lacking relationship with Byrd all the more obvious. I couldn't even call him dad anymore. I mean he wasn't really. But I digress...…

On this drive a few weeks ago, driving past a house that holds so many wonderful summer memories for me, playing with my cousin Jennifer, walking through the tobacco plants to go to bible school, walking up the road to the store to get Slush Puppies... It occurred to me that out there, I have uncles, aunts & cousins that I know nothing of, vague remembrances only. They could walk into a room and I wouldn't know them from any other stranger, and I doubt they'd know me. How sad is that. They share my blood, hell maybe they even look a bit like me and I don't know a damn thing about them. I know nothing of my ancestors on that side of my family...… Why? Because my own father couldn't be bothered with me.

I talked to my mom about this a lot, more than I have any other time in my life. And it broke my heart to hear my mom tell me that he was just a very selfish man, and he would have never loved me the way he should have, the way I wanted him to. It killed me to hear the pity in my mother's voice while admiting to her much loved daughter that my father just doesn't care where I am, what I'm doing. Doesn't even care that I hate him for all this mess. I hate that Byrd can still make me cry. Ihate that I'm a fucking cliche of an abandoned little girl just wanting her father's love. My mom says I should focus on the blessing I had in my Dad, which is true. But you know, my Dad is gone, I can't even hear his voice in my head anymore and fucking Byrd is still sitting the same house he was in 16 years ago. I just wonder what he would say to me if I saw him...… what would I say to him.

"Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you,
not to tell you that I still hate you.
Just to ask you how you fee
land how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down,
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?
but we're alright,
We're alright...
Its been a long hard road without you by my side.
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart,
You broke your children for life.
Its not okay,
but we're all right.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
but Those are just a long lost memory of mine.
I spent so many years learning how to survive,
now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.
The days I spent so cold; so hungry,
Were full of hate,
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body,
There's things I'll take to my grave,...

and Sometimes I forgive
Yeah, and this time,
I'll admit,that I miss you,
Said I miss you..."

Emotionless
by Good Charlotte

I knew better than to get off at the Waddy exit...… I knew better than to open this Pandora's Box.…